[Cue the music. Click here to download The Hach Show Theme. Enter Hach. Applause.]
Hach: Thank you, thank you. Well, it’s great to be back for another night. I’m just glad our good friends at Tripod haven’t shut us down yet. But I’m really glad this place is still standing, after our explosive interview with Bubba yesterday. Wow, atleast we didn’t have to call any fire fighters.
Hach: Last night we did a gang joke, but let me tell you, I just found this one out, and I’d like to believe it’s a joke. Up and coming rapper, Big Lurch, going by the real name of Antron Singleton, faces murder and torture charges after police found him staggering naked and covered in blood on a southeast L.A. street April 10, 2002. Okay, now where is this going. The cops had found a 21 year old female, with teeth marks on her face and on pieces of her lung, which had been torn from her torso. Her mother is suing Big Lurch and is claiming Singleton’s record label had provided him with drugs “to encourage [him] to act out in an extreme, violent manner so as to make him more marketable as a ‘gangsta rap’ artist.” Now, who is Big Lurch’s record label? None other than Death Row Records, yes, headed by our good friend Suge Knight. So where’s the joke you ask? I don’t believe I can send one, seeing this is just sick. But hey, Big Lurch should have listened to Necro.
[Crowd goes “Awe”.]
Hach: As you should probably know by now, today is April 15th. It’s the day your taxers are due to be sent out. I just hope the IRS believes my write off. I wrote off the the entire year, I said I had socialistic issues. That should do right?
Hach: Did you hear this one? The New TNN, which shows WWE Raw and Slam Ball and hours and hours of Real TV, is changing their name. They will be now known as Spike TV. With this news, I’ve been thinking of changing Hachland’s name as well, yeah, this is true, how does Fuck Land sound?
Hach: Let’s start the Fuck Show!
[Part of the opening theme plays. Hach sits down behind a desk.]
Hach: After yesterday’s showing of the debut of The Hach Show, I recieved a telephone call from a friend of mine out in Plattsburgh. His name is AJ Mertz, he’s a poser and his poser name is Mexican Circus Midget. Well, somehow we got a sattelite out there and this is live. Mertz, your on.
Hach: How did you like the show last night?
Mertz: Yeah it was gay
Hach: haha.. ur fucking gay
Mertz: no ur shit sux. it sux. ur whole fuckin shit sucks
Hach: AH, your just a fucking homo.. You don’t appreciate funny things… You need Raven to tell you if their funny
Mertz: thats a big negative. u suck ass
Hach: Im the funniest man alive!! Or atleast in my room now
Mertz: yea cuz there is no one else
Hach: DUH! You fucking moron
Mertz: duh u fuckin piecce of trash
Hach: Wow, I should sue you
Mertz: Can I talk to Raven?
Hach: NO! You fucking bore me. We’ll be back with Mattitude!
[Plug – Visit The Forum. Hach Show returns as you hear “HACH”.]
Hach: Now just another day in Hachland. Well, for those who are good friends of ours. Would greatly know that the Covitous Jew, as said by the American Government with those playing cards is not Extremely Jewish, but he is extremely well liked. So in other terms, Ryan opted to travel to Iraq to cover the war. And here’s some of the photos he has sent back.
Hach: Wow, I didn’t realize Ryan has traveled to China to talk about SARS.
Hach: Ryan discussing the current situation in Iraq with some possibile high powered officials.
Hach: This is Ryan getting searched by Coalition forces.
Hach: And finally this is Ryan on the phone, while Iraqi’s cheer him on. Wow, I hope we can hear more of Ryan. We should call this segment – Ryan Around the World. Haha.. Well, it’s time for that special session of this show where we actualyl make sense of teh world. Let’s bring out a good friend, a man that has helped to show me light where there shouldn’t be light in that special edition of Government Warning and a man who rules his own website with an iron fist, ladies and gentlemen put it together and welcome Mattitude!
[Cue music. A clip of Save Ferries’ She’s got a girlfriend now plays. As Bubba comes out. He has his laptop and a pack of smokes.]
Hach: Welcome to The Hach Show, how are you on this fine night?
Mattitude: Good Hach, how about yourself?
Hach: Pretty good, I’ve been fishing all day. You fish?
Mattitude: From time to time I’ve been known to fish, however I always seem to come up with shit
Hach: Ah, I had a good day today, caught six fish, but then went down harder then Enron
Mattitude: I generally go down worse than a porn tryout contest
Hach: Haha. Are your taxes as bad as your fishing? Seeing today is Tax Day
Mattitude:Good grief… Don’t get me started on taxes… To answer the question though, yeah, they are bad
Hach: Haha, taxes are one of the worst things. Where the hells Robin Hood when you need him?
Mattitude: I guess I’m not poor enough…
Hach: Yeah, doesn’t that fucking suck…
[Hach starts cutting his finger nails]
Mattitude: Am I boring you hach?
Hach: Oh, no continue, how’s life? I hear you go to a lot of wrestling shows.
Mattitude: Ahh, yes, the legend of indy wrestling fan Mattitude grows
Hach: Name off some the feds you’ve been too?
Mattitude: Combat Zone Wrestling, Ring Of Honor, Pro Pain Wrestling… I’m sure there might be one more or two. We drove past an XPW show and made fun of the people waiting for it… If that counts
Hach: Ah, Ring of Honor, I’ve traveled down to see them. It was the night when Paul London made it into my heart of one of the greatest matches I’ve ever seen. It was during his Michael Shane feud, you ever see that one?
Mattitude: Haven’t seen that show, but I’ve heard about it. And Paul London does that at every show
Hach: yeah, but this was just great with a ladder or two, and he ran up it and jumped off it. It was set up in the corner, it was just amazing to see live
Mattitude: Yes, he is amazing… The “Please Don’t Die” chants really show that
Hach: Haha… Yeah, I have never stood up and a applauded… I’m a really hard person to impress, but he did it
Mattitude: I don’t think I’ve ever stood up and clapped for anything… Well, once, in my bedroom after an amazing sexual act in a porno… It got a round of applause from everybody in attendance
Hach: Haha… Was that a Max Hardcore?
Mattitude: I don’t know actually, but it was a Latin chick… That should tell you alot. Well, if you’ve ever dated or… Ya know… with one before.
Hach: haha.. Those latins really know how to move
Mattitude: Damn straight they do… Big booty shakin, gotta love it
Hach: True, no I’ve never been with one in any format, but I could only imagine, I kind of feared she’d turn into a Konnan
Mattitude: Well, in a way she’d already be sort of like Konnan… She’d suck…
Hach: Haha.. True, but not to change the subject at all, look at this finger nail
Mattitude: Oh well… Fuck him…
[Mattitude searches for picture of Konnan, but Hach hasn’t provided one]
Mattitude: For the record, I wanted to burn the picture Sinead O’Connor style
Hach: Haha… we’ll just use this finger nail as Konnan
Mattitude: Consider it burned
Hach: Haha… Hmm… Maybe someone could find you one. Ah, here, this is the closet thing we could find, it’s Gary Coleman
Mattitude: Hahaha… That’ll do Hachey, that’ll do…
Hach: Burn, Burn, Burn Away!!
[Grabs picture, burns while humming in a gregorian monk style.]
Hach: Is that Gregory Peck?
Mattitude: Wait, you can see that mole on my ass? I knew it looked like Peck!
Hach: Hmm… I see no mole, but there used to be this old Chinesse woman that had a huge mole
Mattitude: Oh yeah?
Hach: yeah, the hair from it stuck out 10 feet atleast
Mattitude: That’s gross man
Hach: Im not saying I fucked her
Mattitude: You don’t have to, I’m disgusted enough without that mental image
Hach: Haha… Yes, but imagine if you will, that the Chinesse broad and Big Rob, you’ve seen our Big Rob before right, well, imagine them FUCKING!
Mattitude: Very true, the only thing worse than sex with Big Rob would be sex with Anna Nicole Smith… Fat Bitch…
Hach: Whoa.. wait a minute, you have actually thought about having sex with Big Rob and even Anna Nicole Smith?
Mattitude: Thinking of Big Rob having sex with somebody is almost as bad as the act itself… Anna Nicole before she was a fat diseased whore I did think of. And believe me, I’m red in the face about it
Hach: Well, atleast your not blushing as much as Mike Tyson during a court apperance about rape
Mattitude: Rape is the only thing that can make a black man blush
Hach: Haha.. How do you stop five black men from raping a white chick?
Mattitude: Throw in a job application silly!
Hach: Hahaha… That’ll just continue on… You throw a basketball at them
Mattitude: I beg to differ… The threat of honest work is much more scary to them than it is fun to play basketball
Hach: Well, maybe if you forced them to work, that would scare any man
Mattitude: Very true
Hach: So what else is new?
Mattitude: Ah, nothin really… I wish I could say I’m gettin some, but I’m not
Hach: Yeah, I hear ya, the most action I got in the past 5 years was tonight when I got attacked by two rabid female fans
Mattitude: Fans? Ha, now that’s funny
Hach: Hey now, hey now, You are a guest, stop host hating
Mattitude: Eh, I really do love ya though
Hach: Hey, you just did a 180 and made it gay in here… So let me sip on this Big Bear
Mattitude: I love you in a completely non-gay way… Much like you would love a father. Yes Hach, you are my idol
Hach: Well, thank you, I need some compliments. You saw my the Hach Hater earlier right?
Mattitude: Yeah, I saw
Hach: Some people just don’t love the Hach, and don’t appreciate good comedy… Hell, he’s the only kid I know thats in love with his dog
Mattitude: Haha, I’ve known a few in my time Hach, and I’ll tell ya, it’s fuckin scary
Hach: Yeah, I just don’t understand these things
Mattitude: Yeah, someone I know tried to attack me with scissors for spreading rumors of his dog love
Hach: Ha with scissors, I don’t even want to know what he did to his dog with them
Mattitude: Do we have time for a short story?
[checks wrist, but there’s no watch]
Hach: Yeah, yeah, of course we have some time
Mattitude: Ok. Here it goes
Hach: I’m all ears
Mattitude: My freshman year of high school, which was 97, a friend of mine was rumored to have told another friend that he “Likes to put peanut butter on his nuts and let his dog lick it off” because he thought it was cool. Mind you this was a year before Road Trip, the movie, even came out. I heard this after school one day, before it spread. So the next day I went in and told everybody in my math class first period about it, a class which the dog luster in question was also in. To make a long story short, I coined a nickname that sticks with him today “Skippy” and he attempted to murder me
Hach: Haha.. That’s just funny as hell. I’ve never went that far as getting a kid nicknamed something such that way, but we have a few names for people we like to use. But you know Bubba, from time to time we call him Butters.
Mattitude: Why is that Hach?
Hach: Well for one of South Park. And because this kid at his house has an extreme amount of Butter… Frozen in his freezer.. He says it’s his fathers doing, but I don’t believe so
Mattitude: Interesting… Very weird thing to have hoarded as well
Hach: I know, it’s like if there’s one thing you want if you can’t leave your house is butter.. Just come on, what the hell does he do with all that butter?
Mattitude: He could be using it for shaving like Kramer did
Hach: Haha.. probably so, Bub doesn’t have that much facial hair
Mattitude: Haha… I’m ashamed this didn’t occur to you earlier
Hach: Well, going back to the dog theory, he has a dog… So that occured to me earlier. Anything more to say, Mr. Mattitude, my producer is beginning me to wrap this up
Mattitude: Not much else to say Hach, it’s been real. Everybody check out Mattitude when it comes back in a few weeks.
Hach: Heh, I hear ya in that few weeks thing. It’s always the little things that pushes it back.Thank you for spending your time with us tonight. If we’re still on, can we have you come back again?
Mattitude: Absolutely, I’d love to come back… I feel my performance was off tonight, and I can do better…
Hach: It’s better than our little Government Warning one on one battle.. I’m just glad Shug Knight happened to be there that night
Mattitude: Haha, I hear ya there… Suge is a good guy
Hach: He’s the greatest, I just hope he hear this… Haha.. Well, we’ll be back…
[Plug – Visit Mattitude’s Website. Hach Show returns as you hear “HACH”.]
Hach: We’re back, now it’s time for me to get behind the microphone and give you fine people of this world a little tune. This is my rap diddy, known as Still Smell. Hit it.
[Click Here To Download Hach’s Rap – “Still Smell”. End of show.]