The following post is originally from February 2007 and is presented exclusively from Hachland Historical Society!

Did you know February 14th is Valentine’s Day? Did you know according to my insiders today is the 11th of February? Which means you only have the rest of today and two more days until you are one of those lonely losers sitting home watching reruns on TV Land. Or even worse American Idol. So what do you do? How do you overcome being a loser in the utter most form?

“Will you be my Valentine?”

Don’t fear Hach is here. Yes, I am here. The one, the only and I’m here to teach you how in only 2 days you can get yourself a date for Valentine’s Day. Are you in search of that significant other to fill your heart. To brighten your day? Well, I’m about to tombstone your lonely heart with my guide on getting that date.

Now that you have understood what you’re problem and goal is there’s only one thing left to do — filling in the middle. So how do you find the love of your life? Or at least have a date on Valentine’s Day.

Well, this is pretty simple. We live in the day and age that anyone who is well not computer illiterate or not insect has their own MySpace. Unless you are one of those people who think nobody respectful has their own MySpace, then why are you reading this or even here?

As for the rest of you what are you doing letting people like that in this place, yet for those of you interested in that perfect lover than let’s start this How To Guide!

Well now that you have understood that having a MySpace is virtually a great key to help in this process than let’s sign onto your MySpace. Please do the following by ignoring any videos, new music, friend requests, comments, messages or any other things that MySpace may offer. And let’s go straight into the feature dubbed browse.

Why go into browse? It’s the perfect way to browse various women of your interest and to find the one’s who are of your specific age group and who are close to your home. But how does one use the browse feature? Don’t worry, I have some extra time, and I’ll help guide you through it.

Now the MySpace Browse section has various selections to choose from in order to narrow your options. Which are as follows:

  • Set Browse Criteria (Your friend or everybody)
  • Browse For (Male/Female/Both)
  • Between Ages (Browse between 18 to 68 year olds)
  • Who Are (Single/In A Relationship/Married/Divorced/Swinger)
  • And Are Here For (Dating/Relationships/Networking/Friends)
  • Located Within (Country/Zip Code/Miles Away)
  • Photos (Only Members With Photos)
  • Ethnicity (Asian, Black, White, etc.)
  • Body type (Athletic, Average, More To Love, etc.)
  • Height (Pick their height or no preference at all)
  • Smoker (Are they one?)
  • Drinker (Are they one?)
  • Orientation (Straight, Gay, Bi, Not Sure)
  • Education (High School, College, etc.)
  • Religion (Which religion do they follow?)
  • Income (How much money do they make in a year?)
  • Children (Do they have children or want children?)
  • Sort Results By (Recently Updated/Last Login/New To MySpace/Distance)

As these are all options found within the Advanced option, as Ethnicity, Body type, Height, Smoker, Drinker, Orientation, Education, Religion, Income and Children are just that. Advanced information that you will be able to gain with this search. You know this is used for narrowing your options down finding someone who is your dream person, the one you thought you’d be perfect for.

But it’s February 12th, and this means there is no way you can find that person. You just need someone like NOW! So what do you search for? How do you do it? How do you find that perfect someone for Valentine’s Day?

“Wanna share?”

While the perfect someone might be out there for you, there is no time to haste, you don’t have the time of an entire year. Or even a few weeks, you only have a few days. Because the minutes and seconds are ticking by and soon it’ll be Valentine’s Day. And if you don’t do this you’ll be one of those lonely losers on Valentine’s Day. But don’t panic, I’ll tell you what you’ll have to do to set up the browse, because you my friend, are too desperate to even question anything. So this is how you’ll set up you’re browsing criteria:

Set Browse Criteria
You’ll have to search the everybody this is obtained by clicking on Full Network. Come on, this is totally obvious because if you have to do this you probably have only one friend on your MySpace account, but Tom is way to busy to have to deal with you.

Browse For
As you remember this is the gender category, now if you had more time you’d be able to click the gender you are interested in, but you don’t have that kind of time. And I don’t care if you are not gay or gay, but if you are Bi, then this won’t be too bad. So click on both. Because who cares at this point, you don’t want to be sitting home watching QVC, especially seeing you don’t even have money.

Between Ages
So if your age is 22, then set this search criteria to be three years younger and three years older than you. But then that’d be if you actually had time and well, looks. So just enter the earliest age and the oldest. Which to my understanding is 18 to 68, so I’m sorry people, you can’t find that hot GGILF (Great Grandmother) you have always been dreaming of.

Who Are
Now obvious you’ll be stepping on some toes if you enter the fields Married or In A Relationship, but do you really care? You are single, enter them all. If you end up having some weird encounters because you clicked Swinger then well, if it’s Valentine’s Day it doesn’t matter because you have reached your goal of well, being with someone or something.

Located Within
Now this is where you’ll have to enter the country you live into and your zip code. Now think of how much money you have, think real hard and if you have a car this will help too. Because you’ll have to enter how many miles away according to your transportation. Or atleast hope the person you find has some form of transportation. But you should just enter the highest field here, which is 250 miles away.

The Rest Of The Selections
So you don’t want to date a smoker? You don’t want to be with a girl who’s taller than Andre The Giant? Well, tough. You don’t have that kind of options, because you’ve already wasted about twenty minutes reading this, so you’ll have to either leave the rest of the options blank or no preference.

Now if you have done everything correctly, you will have found there is a whole bunch of prospects. So go ahead and browse a few, pick about 50 of them and go ahead and message them through MySpace and use this as you message:

Hello, my name is (enter your name) and I was wondering what are you doing for Valentine’s Day? I was just wondering because I have this reservation at a restaurant and a box of chocolate. Are you interested?

So after sending this to about 50 different people you don’t have time to wait for the replys so keep choosing more people. Keep choosing them and writing them until you get a response of yes. If you don’t receive one, then why did you stop?

Now if this practice doesn’t work, and it’s already Valentine’s Day. You only have two more options left. One of which involves suicide, and who wants to go through with that? Not me of course, who’d come to your funeral. For that matter who will even set a funeral up for you? Not me, I don’t like you and never will.

So what do you do? This one is easy. Get in your vehicle if it is a van the better. If not then you may need a knife. Travel to the local mall and set yourself in the food court sit down and let the women (or men) come to you. You must have to be able to know who and what you want. When the right one comes around, and this shouldn’t be too long, go up to her, with your knife and demand her to come with you and of course, if she doesn’t you’ll stab her dead right there.

As you have obtained your girl and are bringing her to your vehicle of choice hopefully a van. Knock her out with one of your favorite hardcover books, possibly Star Wars: The New Rebellion by Kristine Kathryn Rusch . Then bring yourself home, which of course is located inside your parents house, drag the girl into your bedroom and without allowing your parents or neighbors know that she is unconscious you may need to use ropes and other forms to keep her tied to you so she looks like she’s still conscious.

While you bring her into your room remember to take alot of photographs of her, you may need to have extra clothes so it looks like you have been with her for a long time. You should also have a printer or even use a Polaroid camera so the pictures of her come out fairly quickly. Because it’s Valentine’s Day and you want her to know how much you love her. Begin to make a shrine in your room of her, you may need some scotch tape for this.

Start by taping all of the pictures up on to your wall leave some room for the notes you’ll start writing about her. Oh, you may need to know how to spell. So this is what you do, if she has a purse open it and look for something with her name on it. A driver’s licence is of course the best thing, hopefully she doesn’t have car keys in her car, especially if your form of vehicle was your Huffy bike. But now that you have her driver’s licence, pull out a notebook and begin to write the following.

Dear (her name),

I love you.

Love (your name)

Now begin the next page and follow the same model but after writing “I love you” enter something that makes her so special to you. An always good idea is to mention how nice and quiet she has been. Other things you may be able to say is the clothes she is wearing. How nice her shirt is, how her pants look so nice on her. Or even ask her questions in these letters. Like how her panties don’t have any poo tracks on them like yours. There are a millions of things you can mention about her, so do so. Use every piece of paper you have and continue to add these to the shrine.

When you have run out of pictures and papers come up with some more ideas to add to her shrine. Like maybe her aforementioned panties or her bra. But leave her with enough clothes so when you do wake her up she still has clothes to take off, because that’s part of foreplay. So now you most likely have alot of pictures and letters you have written to her and other various artifacts of hers

Alright, then. Take a deep breath because as follows is the toughest part of your Valentine’s Day date. Waking her up.

“Here I come Honey!”